In Which I’m Forced To Mention Charlie Sheen

Last week I did an interview with Alexander Zaitchik about his new article in Rolling Stone, which was about conspiracy talk radio host Alex Jones. As brief of an interview it was, I was kind of proud that we didn’t talk about Charlie Sheen at all. See, when Sheen started ranting all his crazytalk, that was when he was calling in to the Alex Jones happy funtime radio show. They’re old friends, connected through their belief in the idea that 9/11 was an “inside job.” So now, funnily enough, Jones has sort of been in the spotlight because of the instability of someone else and not himself.

But now really my hand has been forced and I’m going to have to actually mention Charlie Sheen because he went and pissed off a “warlock.” And the warlock is going to cast spells on him. And his name is Christian Day. And he looks like this:

I learned about Christian Day from the Daily Telegraph. He is a “real-life warlock” who was totally offended by Sheen’s claim to be a “Vatican assassin warlock,” which, as it turns out, is not true at all.

In other news, film scholars criticized Sheen’s sloppy analysis of Apocalypse Now, engineers at Boeing deny manufacturing Charlie Sheen and claim that he is in fact a sort of human being and not an F-18, and Venus and Athena took great offense to Sheen’s claims that his porn star girlfriends were “goddesses.” They are not.

Christian Day and his crappy knock-off Misfits skull patch were so offended by Sheen’s use of the word “warlock” that he has decided to take vengeance. Here is what he said to TMZ, according to the Daily Telegraph:

“I am going to magically bind Mr. Sheen, not to harm him, but to simply prevent him from using this word in such a negative manner in the future.”
Day continues, “If Mr. Sheen is open to it, our coven would be willing to perform a cleansing on both him, his home, and his career.”

Fucking warlocks. Always so haughty.

There, now if this wasn’t just a big publicity stunt, warlocks should “bind” me from “using this word in such a negative manner in the future.”

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