Can David Gregory Predict Earthquakes?

For decades, scientists have tried to discover whether or not animals have an ability to predict earthquakes. And now thanks to David Gregory, host of Meet the Rise of the Planet of the Press, they may be one step closer to an answer.

MSNBC executives report that at least 10 seconds before the East Coast Earthquake struck last Monday, David Gregory abandoned his meal in the break room and climbed from his table to a nearby refrigerator, where he then jumped to a chandelier in the middle of the room.

Let’s Beat Up On Ron Paul

Last week on The Daily Show, Jon Stewart did a segment on how the media’s been conspicuously avoiding coverage of the Quixotic Presidential campaign of Ron Paul. His supporters loved it, probably hoping that more coverage of Paul would mean more people getting on board with his campaign. But more coverage means more coverage of his crazier positions too, and there are a lot of them.

5 Religious Organizations You Should Hate Update

Last winter I wrote an article about five religious organizations you should hate. And since The BEAST is the one and only True News Source (peace ‘n blessings be upon Us), you may have missed some new developments for those groups. So here they are! But (spoiler alert) you should know that none of these updates should make any decent person stop hating them.

Annie Jacobsen Opposes the Kinds of Conspiracy Theories She Starts

It’s silly to believe they’re aliens… They’re clearly part of a Nazi/Communist alliance’s propaganda campaign!

If I were to write an editorial about how journalists these days are being too offensive to people of faith and spirituality, everyone who read it would rightfully think of me as a huge hypocrite. Or maybe they’d think I’d suffered some kind of brain injury. When you’ve written about faith issues in the way I have, you kind of forfeit your right to complain about people doing the same.

Similarly, if you write a book about Roswell and then promote it largely based on the final chapter which invents one of the most out-there conspiracy theories ever, you forfeit your right to complain about loony conspiracy theories. At least you should.

Melissa Harris-Perry Would Like More Irrationality, Please

Melissa Harris-Perry, seen here being incredibly full of shit.

“Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.”
-Voltaire

I like Rachel Maddow’s show. It’s one of the few I can stand on MSNBC. Sure, she slips into the “Defend the President and Party At All Costs” mode from time to time, but it’s nowhere near as egregious as some of her fellow hosts on the network. Also, her head is not a ginormous wonder to all surviving phrenologists, which is another plus.

Ask Warren Jeffs

Warren Jeffs, alleged child-fucker and leader/prophet of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints takes time off from his trial to roll out his new advice column.

Dear Warren Jeffs:

My beautiful wife Jennifer and I just had our first child. It’s been an amazing experience so far, but it’s also had a much bigger effect on our day-to-day life than we expected. Our biggest challenge has been to get a good night’s sleep! She wakes us up constantly, several times throughout the night. And one time when it was my turn to run over to her room to make sure all was well at 3 AM, she was laughing at me when I got there. At least, I suspected that the crying had turned to laughter. Maybe it’s my lack of sleep. Anyway, is my baby being an asshole? And if so, is there anything I can do to change her?

Sincerely,
Fatigued in Fallujah