Andy Griffith died on Tuesday. For me, his best role is as Lonesome Rhodes in A Face In The Crowd.
“I’m awesome in this film.”
But more people, and certainly the news editors who shaped the focus of his obits, wanted to remember him for The Andy Griffith Show, a program that aired from 1960 to 1968 and left the airwaves at number one in the ratings.
The show told the story of a very nice southern sheriff who oversaw life in a very nice Southern town. Which is all well and good except the series took place during the height of the not-so-nice Civil Rights Movement. Well, actually, the Civil Rights Movement was nice enough. But the reaction to it wasn’t at all nice. Especially among Southern law enforcement. In fact, the Southern sheriffs of that era were the very opposite of nice, making viewings of The Andy Griffith Show a kind of stomach-turning proposition in the Dixon household of my youth.
“Here, let my dog assist you to your hotel.”
Of course, in an era when TV only wanted to deal with Witches, Genies and Monsters (Unlike now!) what could one really expect? I’m sure viewers would have been aghast had Andy murdered civil rights workers like real-life constables were. Though maybe it would have been lighter fare had it been done by Don Knotts who played Andy’s Deputy, Barney Fife. Would viewers have tuned in to see Don Knotts gun down civil rights workers? I think they would have. I think they would have watched a very special episode of Andy Griffith Show where Barney ‘nipped it in the bud’ by gunning down unarmed people whose ‘crime’ was demanding racial equality. I’m sure it at least would have done as well as that year’s Super Bowl.
On The Andy Griffith Show, Andy had a son named Opie, played by future hack film director and Arrested Development producer Ron Howard.
“Did you just call me a hack? Fuck you!”
Now if they didn’t want to handle the civil rights movement, it probably is just as likely that they’d have never done an episode centered around Opie being molested. You know, like Dudley was in the ‘80s sitcom, Different Strokes. This is a shame because if anybody fit the profile for victim of child sexual abuse it was Opie.
“What the fuck, dude?! You sick ass motherfucker.”
Opie wasn’t Catholic (did Mayberry have Catholics?) but you could easily see him being friendly with men of the cloth. Maybe he’d meet one while walking by the church. Maybe he’d meet a guy like St. Paul priest Curtis Carl Wehmeyer. Doesn’t Curtis Carl already sound Southern? How interesting would it have been for Sheriff Andy Taylor to have to arrest a Priest for diddling his son? That would have made for great TV viewing, don’t you think?
Did Opie ever skinny dip? It seems like he might have. If he ever did, perhaps guys like Fairfield church pastor, Robert Ruark would be hiding in the bushes to take pictures. Would Nielsen families in the 1960s have watched as Opie stripped down while a pedo hid in the bushes with a camera? I think they might have.
That would have fascinated TV audiences. In fact, instead of just guest starring in shows like Andy Griffith, TV execs should have actual programs where the lead is a pervert who abuses children. It’s a wonder Showtime hasn’t looked into this.
“Couldn’t be worse than in our show.”
Think of the possibilities: A show revolving around a man like Mark Broussard. Good old Mark abused boys as young as 8 and as old as 16 while he was a priest at Our Lady Queen of Heaven Church. Which means, the series could feature just about every young male sensation working today.
“No way I don’t win an Emmy.”
If the exclusively homosexual nature of Mark’s crimes gives some execs pause, they can always have a show based on equal opportunity pedo, Rev. Dennis Carey. Actually, Dennis liked to watch little boys and girls do each other, so he’s probably not into cock at all. Or I wouldn’t think so.
Should they ever did do a series on pedophile pastors, they’ll have to make them smarter than Edward Earl Prince. Mr. Edward seemed to think an excellent place to watch his child porn was at the local library. This might make for a good season finale, but it would be a rather poor final episode.
But why must this revolve around having sex with children? Can’t a religious man commit a crime without it involving screwing kids? I’m sure, Rabbi Mordchai Fish would say so. After all, he merely performed good old-fashioned money laundering. And not once during that did he do a metzitzah b’peh. There was absolutely no baby dick for this Rabbi’s mouth, thank you very much.
And to be fair, just because a priest might be involved in child molestation it doesn’t mean he himself ever touched a child or jacked it to child porn. Some times the guy just decides to cover it up. Which is way cooler… or not.
One person who probably wishes there was a cover up is Inglewood pastor, Gordon Solomon. Here Gordon was, getting some (alleged) loving from a young girl and her stupid mother had to interfere. Sure the girl might have been only 14 when he hooked up with her. So what? Eve wasn’t even a half hour old before Adam ‘knew her’. Why the double standard?
I’m sure something along those lines is the theological point Ina Garrett was trying to make when she smacked Rev. Leon Taylor in the face with her Bible. Which, I must admit, puts the book to rather good use.
But I doubt Andy would have agreed.
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Atheist Hobos 