I’d really like to be able to stop writing about crank websites like WorldNetDaily and Natural News, but they keep on being hilarious and so I can’t. For example, did you know that your kid might be a spy for the Russians Environmental Protection Agency? IT IS TRUE:
If your child suddenly starts marching around the house demanding that you turn off every light switch after leaving a room, or begins attaching hangers to door handles that grade your family’s energy use habits, he or she may have been recruited by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) as a spy in one of its so-called “energy patrols.”
It’s tough to know where to begin here. For one thing, this isn’t what the EPA is doing at all. But even if they were, it still sounds completely innocuous. Throughout the article, you get the feeling that the author intends a lot of the menace that’s supposed to be implied to show up in the tone of voice the reader hears in their head as they read. For fans of Natural News, the reader’s voice should probably sound like a typical caller on Coast to Coast AM at 3AM. That way, all of these little quotes seem a lot more ominous. But if you read in a normal voice, it’s just a boring article about public school programs.
CNS News reports that EPA is celebrating “Children’s Health Month,” which occurs in October, by enlisting children to track how energy is used at their local public schools. In an EPA report entitled Sensible Steps to Healthier School Environment, the agency gives detailed instructions on how children can effectively “inform others when energy is wasted.”
That’s right, sheeple! The schools are going to teach children how to do kind of important work, like cutting government waste. You’d think the Libertarians that tend to love Natural News would be into this kind of thing. Less public money going to waste on redundant energy costs means less taxpayer money wasted. What’s so terrible about that? It’s probably that the kids are “informing others,” kind of like how the RUSSIAN COMMUNISTS GOT KIDS TO INFORM OTHERS ABOUT THEIR PARENTS’ THOUGHTS ABOUT THE SOVIET UNION1111111
I wish I were really joking about that being what Natural News thinks is sinister about this program, but that’s probably exactly what it is.
This includes drafting willing students to dress up in special vests with identification tags and walk around the hallways of their schools with clipboards looking for inefficient uses of energy, and keeping a log of them. If a thermostat is set above 70 degrees Fahrenheit in the winter, or below 78 degrees Fahrenheit in the summer, for instance, students are encouraged to reset them to “appropriate” temperatures.
OMGWTFBBQ NOT APPROPRIATE TEMPERATURES! It’s so ominous, amirite? Who is the government to tell me what “room temperature” is, anyway?
At a point, the author seems to get that nothing he’s reported on will be frightening to any sensible person. That means it’s time to start fearmongering with speculations pulled right out of his ass.
[T]he second listed reason for preventing greenhouse gas emissions is a more politically-motivated one with global warming theory undertones. Many parents are rightfully concerned that students being enrolled into EPA energy patrols are also being indoctrinated into globalist dogma pushing repressive agendas like universal “carbon” taxes and obligatory restrictions on energy usage.
Well, you can’t argue with “many parents,” can you? That’s a reliable source if I’ve ever heard one. And they’re probably right. If kids are wearing vests and checking thermoststats, the next thing you know they’ll be swept up in the world of international politics, which is exactly what most 10 year olds love most.
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Atheist Hobos 
Reblogged this on Drndark.