Ghost-Enabling Landlords! Ted Nugent! Coked-Up Judges! And Why Astrologers Shouldn’t Babysit!

So I’m back to doing a series of short news stories in this space. You should all just get used to there being no real consistent structure here. The best you can hope for is a focus on people doing and saying crazy things. So let’s get to it.

Alex Jones is the King of All Crackpots

I first heard about Alex Jones during one of my first breaks home from college, catching up with a friend from high school. He went to college in Meadville, PA, at the same school which after one semester drove Trent Reznor into the happening nightlife of Cleveland and probably fueled his angst-based career for the next 20 years.

So there wasn’t much to do in Meadville. One thing to do was drive around delivering pizzas to townies while listening to the Alex Jones radio show. That’s what my friend did. This was in the days before iPods, so unless you wanted to drag around your CD collection and risk it getting stolen by Alex Jones fans for crystal meth money, radio was your only option.

So we would get stoned and laugh at the crazy man yelling about the global “elite” in his documentaries. It’d be fun to pick apart the fact from fiction and to try to identify the point where reasonable concerns about government waste turned into the fever-dream rants of a paranoid lunatic. So yeah, the drug war is bullshit, but it’s not part of a UN plot to end American sovereignty.

The Craziest Conspiracy Theorist Who Ever Lived

Who’s the craziest motherfucker you’ve heard about? I’ll give you a minute to think it over. Got one? Who is it?  OK, you’re wrong. The correct answer is Francis E Dec. In my obsessive pursuit of all things unhinged I’m pretty sure he will be the ultimate yardstick for the scale of the craziest motherfuckers of at least the 20th century. Guys like Deepak Chopra, Fred Phelps and Jack Chick just have to stand back in awe of the way Dec fully embraced his inner crazy. The time cube guy was probably inspired by him. But you’ve probably never heard of him. And if it weren’t for his letters you never would.

5 Ways 9/11 Truthers Are Like Creationists

On the Origin of Conspiracy Theories By Means of Natural Stupidity

Happy 9/11 anniversary everyone! This year is going to be extra special because we have ten fingers and we’ve set up our numerical system based on that arbitrary amount. The news media is going to capitalize on this hard: Fox News has a special on it about how George W. Bush killed Osama bin Laden on September 12 with only night-vision goggles and a sword. MSNBC has one about how we antagonized the Muslim world by locking up “suspected terrorists” indefinitely without charges and invading a few Middle Eastern countries. And the most outrageous of the tragedy opportunists are planning a march in Manhattan to mark the 10 year anniversary of everyone’s favorite act of mass murder.

5 Fundamentalist Movies You Should Watch

GATES OF HELL

I learned about this movie from Right Wing Watch, which is an organization that watches the right wing. And they watched the right wing pushing this movie, and it looks awesome.

You might have heard about how conservatives have been trying to sell African-Americans on the idea of being against legal abortion lately. They’re putting up these nutty billboards (some of which imply that blacks are a distinct species) and running goofy political ads on the radio. See, they’re not racist anymore! They’re really concerned about black babies and how letting black women have abortions is like genocide. And that breaks their hearts. They are very concerned about black people. That’s what they’re pushing. It reminds me of how neo-Nazis like David Duke will pretend to be so compassionate to the Palestinians, when in reality they’re clearly more motivated by hating Jews than anything else.

Jews and Freemasons force Catholic priests to rape kids

I’ve really got to make a disclaimer here because the original source I’m getting this from is in Italian. Since I don’t speak it, and haven’t even needed to speak Spanish since 2001, I’m at the mercy of Google Translate. So it’s possible that, like most things I say, all of this is completely wrong. The difference here is that it wouldn’t be entirely my own fault. So there.

Election 2008: An Exclusive preview

Only four people so far have officially announced their candidacy for the next Presidential campaign. Two are Republicans and two are Democrats, and one from each party warrants some special attention.

Both believe they are the messiah sent to redeem humanity during the End Times, which just happens to coincide with their own lifetimes. Both hate and/or fear communists. It is very doubtful that either of them has had what we might call a normal conversation with another human being in the past decade. Their political writings are patently insane. In other words, all that’s stopping them from being considered “serious candidates” are campaign funds and media exposure.