Arrested Developments

Like a lot of people, I appreciate drinking alcohol and being naked. In fact, I probably enjoy being naked more than I enjoy alcohol. It depends on the alcohol. If I’m given a beer, for example, then I’d much rather be naked because being naked is way better than the taste of beer. A Bud Light can’t compete with the joy of walking around with your dingle hanging out.

But in all my years of being naked and all my years of drinking, I’ve never combined the two in public. And I’ve certainly never combined the two and then got behind the steering wheel of a car. For that sort of behavior, I’d have to be a Catholic priest.

Arrested Developments

I am fat and disgusting. Sorry, that’s redundant. Fat is disgusting. It’s horrible. It’s the single most horrible thing a person could be. There is noting as depraved, as immoral as being fat. It’s amazing that people tolerate my walking the street.  It’s a wonder no one throws acid in my face as they see me emerge from a McDonald’s.

Arrested Developments

My gun never ruined a midnight movie première.

I’m not saying Fred Willard is grateful. Some crazy douche bag shot up a movie theater. But it certainly didn’t hurt him.

Arrested Developments

I have a white friend who loves to shoplift. He also loves weed and musical theater but he really LOVES to shoplift.

This is how we do it.

Fuck Judge Mark Martin of Mechanicsburg, PA

Last October there was a Halloween parade in central Pennsylvania where a guy named Ernie Perce dressed up as Zombie Mohammed, as one does. Talaag Elbayomy, an outraged local Muslim attacked him and Perce reported to incident to police in the area. They then arrested Elbayomy for harassment. This is pretty much what one would expect to happen. It’s sad that Elbayomy reacted in the way he did, but at least justice was served in the end. Right?

Well, no. Jonathan Turley is bringing this case up because Judge Mark Martin threw the case out on the grounds that Elbayomy was the true victim here, not Perce. And to be clear, this doesn’t appear to be a case where the defense lawyer is obscuring the basic facts of what happened. A video of the incident itself was even admitted into evidence. Everyone agrees about what actually happened. Martin sided with Elbayomy because he thinks he was right to attack Perce in defense of his boyfriend Prophet Mohammed.

School’s Out (Of Their Minds)

So this column’s going back to the multi-topic format, and we’ve got a school-related theme this week. It’s funny how I started this thinking it would force me to write within a certain formula only to tweak it for each of the first three.

5 Religious Organizations You Should Hate Update

Last winter I wrote an article about five religious organizations you should hate. And since The BEAST is the one and only True News Source (peace ‘n blessings be upon Us), you may have missed some new developments for those groups. So here they are! But (spoiler alert) you should know that none of these updates should make any decent person stop hating them.

Ask Warren Jeffs

Warren Jeffs, alleged child-fucker and leader/prophet of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints takes time off from his trial to roll out his new advice column.

Dear Warren Jeffs:

My beautiful wife Jennifer and I just had our first child. It’s been an amazing experience so far, but it’s also had a much bigger effect on our day-to-day life than we expected. Our biggest challenge has been to get a good night’s sleep! She wakes us up constantly, several times throughout the night. And one time when it was my turn to run over to her room to make sure all was well at 3 AM, she was laughing at me when I got there. At least, I suspected that the crying had turned to laughter. Maybe it’s my lack of sleep. Anyway, is my baby being an asshole? And if so, is there anything I can do to change her?

Sincerely,
Fatigued in Fallujah

That’s a Spicy Miscarriage of a-Justice!

By Mario

Bonjourno! I’m a-Mario and I’m an Italian-Americano and I do-a the plumbing! But today I’m-a here to tell you about how I’m ashamed of my-a country’s criminal justice system, specifically in the small town of a-Perugia. Perhaps we discuss it over a nice-a pizza pie! Mario knows just the right-a place!

Bring Me the Head of Ryan LeVin, Please

Ryan LeVin is the 36 year old millionaire jewelry heir who this past weekend got away with murder.

That’s not to say that he was found not guilty in court. He was found guilty of killing two people (they were British businessmen, but let’s not split hairs) and was sentenced to two years of unmonitored house arrest at his parents’ oceanside condo and ten years probation.