It’s a Pious Fraud, I Can Tell By the Pixels

I Go To Church and Learn About Jesus’s Fake Do-Rag

The cover of Jesus’s debut thrash metal album.

A couple weeks ago I heard about a presentation  at a local church. Some guy called Russ Breault (unfortunately not pronounced BRO!) was going to talk about the Shroud of Turin and how it was magic. Or something like that.

The Shroud of Turin is a linen cloth with the image of a person on it. Some Catholics claim the cloth was Jesus’s burial shroud and that God Photoshopped a .jpg of Jesus onto it as part of his resurrection.

Jesus Was A Reactionary Douchebag

Some really obnoxious and mindless cliches have been popping up from commenters in a previous article about how Jesus was really a swell guy who had such nice teachings, and if only his followers hadn’t distorted his message we’d all be living in some hippy’s fever dream conception of a socialist commune with free tofu for all and an open bar by the pool between three and five by now.

It’s actually kind of amazing how rarely it’s suggested that the whole idea of Christianity was a bad one from the start. Even non-Christians tend to fetishize this idea of an initial state of grace from which we’ve all fallen because of some mysterious, inherent human flaw and the corruption that results. It’s a story which has been regurgitated for so long that it’s almost been ingrained into our genes. But when you look at what evidence is available, the claim that Jesus was an advocate for peace and tolerance and other nice, liberal things falls flat.

Hungarian Jesus

So Jesus is still making the paredolia rounds. To briefly recap, lately we’ve seen Jesus in a frying pan, a ceiling, a toilet, Indian food, a moth, a cloud, naan bread, a hospital, a coconut, cat’s fur, gum, a barbecue cover, a banana, a curtain, and the surface of Mars. Now he’s showing up on Google Earth which proves that Google really is supernatural. Here’s a screen shot:

More Jesus Pareidolia

Jesus is appearing on naan bread now. I’m very excited about this because there is a bit more detail in this one than in this one or this one and definitely more than this one.

But it still looks more like Al Jourgensen than whatever Jesus might have looked like. Observe:

Jesus is Balding

At least he is if you look at this completely compelling photographic evidence:

Capitalism: A Love Story

OK, when I first heard the title of this movie, I thought Moore was going to try to restore Marx and talk about how misunderstood he is by today’s society. Of course I figured it would mostly be about the bailouts and the fatcat bankers and all that stuff, too. But the “love story” bit sounded, at least to me, like there would be some mention of Marx.

Anyway, the reason I thought about Marx was because although he hated capitalism for all the reasons which are pretty well understood, he also kind of loved it at the same time. In only a few decades, the Industrial Revolution had driven advances in technology the net effect of which had been rarely, if ever,  seen in human history. So for Marx – at least as I read him – capitalism was this necessary transitional stage which served the purpose of getting us the tools we need to form a more just and equitable society. That’s kind of an important part of his theory of history which is often overlooked. Marx is probably one of the most misunderstood philosophers ever, except maybe for Nietzsche.

What Do You See?

Here:

Three-Titted Jesus Found on Mars!

A recently released picture of the Martian surface has ignited some controversy in the most widely circulated newspaper in the UK (“Has Jesus Christ Been Spotted On Mars?”). The question mark in the headline apparently means they’re not quite sure if there was an alteration of the Martian surface in order to make it sort of kind of look like Jesus: